reports

Review #4 - Ranch from The Cheesecake Factory

Tried on: January 31, 2025

What’s the dill?: dill on the top of the tongue, buttermilk flavor very present, strong dried onion flavor

Rating: 7.7

Viscosity: don’t own a viscosity meter yet

Backstory and tasting notes:

When news broke that the Macy’s in Union Square was closing my mind went to one place, will the Cheesecake Factory on the top floor close with it? Thankfully we’ve got at least one more year of the Union Square Macy’s but a pilgrimage to the venerable institution known for menus longer than most young adult novels was still in order. 

The last time I’d been at a Cheesecake Factory was on a date early in my college years in suburban Maryland. Before that I think my parents took me once for my birthday to get one slice of cheesecake. Needless to say, I was overdue for making some new memories at one of America’s hardest working factories.

The night had all the trappings of any good Cheesecake Factory trip, a gregarious waiter, mixed drinks with extra simple syrup, the egg roll sampler, and at least 20,000 calories of food on our table. To be honest, it wasn’t my intention going into the dinner to do a ranch report but at the last minute of ordering I decided to tack on some fries and a side of ranch and I am very happy I did.

The fries and ranch arrived after we had devoured our various appetizers and were waiting for our mains. The fries were hot and crispy and ready for their dunk in the dill pool. Soon after, a different food runner brought a silver chalice filled to the absolute brim with ranch. One slip of the wrist and our extremely smooth table would become a dairy disaster scene. I did manage to pose with the ranch chalice (see photo below).

I picked up a fry and I was fully prepared to taste the familiar ranch of a Kens, Hidden Valley, or Sysco food service ranch. What met my tastebuds took me by surprise. A well balanced, dilly and oniony ranch with strong buttermilk undertones. Somewhere between thin and thick and an overall smooth texture. (Still no viscosity meter). My fellow diners were equally impressed. I don’t think anyone can blame me for thinking that a restaurant with over 20 pages of menu may resort to pre-made dressings. In chitty-chatting with our absolutely delightful server (SHOUT OUT BUNNY), they told us that, in fact, all the sauces are made from scratch. 

It turns out, they are really operating a factory in that kitchen. So, to the working-class folks who spend their days on The Cheesecake Factory floor, making sure the silver chalice is always full of fresh ranch, thank you!

want to take a dip in the dill pool?

Review #3 - Ranch from Taco Bell

(“Fire Ranch” Co-Branded by Hidden Valley and Taco Bell)

Tried on: January 8, 2025

What’s the dill?: def fire, Smokey, not much ranch flavor, thinner than most fast food ranch, second dip ranchier

Tier List: 5.2

Viscosity: don’t own a viscosity meter yet

Backstory and tasting notes:

I was running an errand in the Richmond and decided to make a quick snack stop on the way. No better place to do that than the Geary and 6th Ave combination KFC Taco Bell. I’d seen on social media that Taco Bell came out with some chicken nuggets and a variety of dipping sauces including a “Fire Ranch” sauce that is co-branded with Hidden Valley (aka BIG RANCH). The other sauces are a Jalapeno Honey Mustard and something called Bell Sauce. I’m not gonna give you a comprehensive review of the bonus sauces, but I did order them and I did try them, and I will let you know what I thought (succinctly). 

First off, the vessel for the ranch, the nuggets, were pretty good! They are made with a tortilla chip breading which made them pretty crispy. I was worried they would taste a bit dry, but I did not experience an overly dry nugget. A good starting pallet for the sauces to come.

On first dip, the ranch was SMOKEY. In fact, that was the overwhelming flavor. Any nuance of typical ranch herbs got literally lost in the sauce. As you have read, I like a thinner ranch sauce, and I was pleasantly surprised this ranch was thinner than many fast food ranches. I still do not have a viscosity meter, so again, cannot tell you how viscous this one was. On second dip some of the typical ranch herbiness did enter my palette, maybe for this ranch the flavors needed to build. Overall though, this didn’t really taste like ranch. I’d rank it lower in the tier list, but my allegiance to Taco Bell is strong and the taste, while not ranchy, wasn't bad. 

Perhaps my overall ranch judgment was influenced by having tried all the sauces. The Bell Sauce was okay. It basically tasted like someone made a sauce the flavor of original Doritos taco flavor. I’m going to skip it going forward. The Jalapeno Honey Mustard though was a phenomenal, PHENOMENAL, sauce. Unfortunately this is not the Honey Mustard Revue, but just trust you should be getting this sauce. Balanced, sweet, spicy, and tangy.

If you get a chicken nugget combo, you’ll get one sauce with it for free. Any additional sauces are extra. I’d recommend the honey mustard, and splurge on an additional ranch in my honor.

I ate these on a bench at a bus stop, the perfect location at which to eat Taco Bell chicken nuggets

Review #2 - Ranch from Fiorella, Inner Sunset

Tried on: December 30, 2024

What’s the dill?: Thin, dilly buttermilk, not too garlicky, oniony, like that it is in a stainless steel cup, good for pizza crust dipping.

Tier List: 7.8

Viscosity: don’t own a viscosity meter yet

Backstory and tasting notes:

A group of friends and I go out for Italian food once a month. It's called the Italian-A-Month club (IAMC). We’ve been doing it for almost 2 years (or maybe more than 2 years). Most of the time we go to Fiorella, often the location in the Inner Sunset, and for the last IAMC of 2024 we did exactly that. 

If we order pizza, I will order ranch so I can dip my crust in it. The pizza at Fiorella is very good and isn’t really meant for ranch dipping - it’s kinda glidey (like the cheese and sauce kinda glide off the crust so adding extra moisture isn’t really the move). But the crust is prime ranch dipping fodder. Charry bits and really delicious dough are just ready for a dunk in the dill pool. 

Fiorella’s ranch is only $1 for a nice portioned cup. It’s thin - WISH I HAD A VISCOSITY METER TO TELL YOU HOW THIN - but the flavor is still well distributed. The primary tasting note is dill with a heavy onion undertone. I love alliums, so this isn’t an issue for me. As a fan of vessels, I like that it comes in a stainless steel cup. Just seems like the correct move.

Overall, this is a very solid ranch. While I do tend to favor my ranch a bit on the thinner side, as this ranch is, this one could stand a hare more heft. 

I’d order it again (and I do, every month).

Italian-a-month club members in mostly matching cacio e pepe shirts

Review #1 - Ranch from Woods Lowside

Tried on: August 8, 2024

What’s the dill?:  not memorable, middle of the road (mostly because i’m writing this four months later, more on that below, i promise future reviews will be more timely and in depth on flavor)

Tier List: 6.1

Viscosity: don’t own a viscosity meter yet

Backstory and tasting notes:

I try to live my life committed to “the bit.” Little gags. Whimsical moments. Spending 20 bucks on a weird hat because it would be funny to wear a weird hat. Giving public comment using only Taco Bell puns. Always getting a side of ranch when available and then creating a website reviewing said ranch.

I think people hear the phrase “committing to the bit” and think purely comedy. And while oftentimes committing to the bit may be humorous, I’ve come to believe it to be, at least for me, an essential part of my own identity. A lesson in self-acceptance. Finding joy, creating humor - these are things that make me feel like me. Exploring ways to eek out silliness in a very-serious world. But also acknowledging that joy and laughter are serious matters in their own right.

A little over a year ago I decided to finally commit to a bit I’d been thinking about for a while. A bit so intrinsically tied to my identity - it is in fact my identity. I told some friends, and then a bit later, my family, that I am non-binary. If I have learned anything in this journey it's that my experience is decidedly not unique. Many of the questions I’ve asked myself, my queer and trans friends have answered with “I also felt that way.” But the point of coming out isn’t to be unique, it’s literally just accepting yourself. Being queer and trans are just part of committing to the bit of being myself. Learning to trust myself to know myself.

It’s been freeing to do that. To trust myself to explore who I am. And It’s been a hell of a lot easier and fun because I have such a strong community. Which brings me back to the ranch I’m here to review in the first place. 

On August 8, some of my closest and most dear friends came over to my tiny studio apartment with pizza, beer, and ranch dressing to hang out with me a week after I had surgery. I don’t remember the taste of the ranch well from that evening, but I do remember the fact that my friends doubled-back to the pizza place when they noticed the ranch wasn’t originally included. The phrase “to be seen is to be loved” comes to mind, especially when you are recovering from surgery; knowing your friends bugged an annoyed bartender for five 1-ounce cups of ranch, that’s a big act of love. Even more so, having friends like that is a very powerful path to self acceptance. When people who you care deeply for and who care deeply for you, see the bits you do as bits of you, committing to the bit just comes naturally.

Which brings us to the next bit, this bit, ranch.report. I am legitimately excited to review ranch dressing and try my hand at culinary critique. I expect my reports from here on out to be more focused on ranch dressing and all of its tasting notes (still with the occasional rumination). If you have a ranch you want me to review, leave a tip here. If you make a killer homemade ranch, reach out and invite me over. If you know where I can acquire a used (but working) viscosity meter, please let me know. Above all, thank you for visiting ranch.report!

My friends in my studio apartment, post ranch, just hanging out